it's been 11 years, baby!

I'm a little late on this post, but when you've been married for 11 years, what's one more week?

Wow, eleven years ago, David and I married each other.

I don't think either of us had any idea what we were getting ourselves into. (insert chuckle)

Seriously, but who does? 

Marriage is hard work.

Lots and lots of hard work.

It forcing me to be honest, and to take a long hard look at myself.

But, even after all these years, I would still say "I do."  

I really would.

Because without David, I wouldn't be who I am today.

For better or for worse.

But, mostly for better.

I really love that man, faults and all.

And, he really loves me.

I love that we are learning and growing together.

We struggle and fight together.

We laugh and cry together...

And sometimes apart too.

We can have fun together.

We get carded while walking into concerts together.

We love to eat Chinese food together.

We love to go to the beach together.

And, we look good together, don't you think?

Happy Anniversary, David.  

Sorry, I never got you a card, but this post is for you.

And, I'm sure it's much better than some cheesy card

I could buy at the store.

dress rehearsal day

Yesterday was dress rehearsal day.  For the fist time in several years, I only had one bun and one face to put makeup on.  It was sure a lot less pressure!  Miss M has decided that ballet is just not for her--she's a beautiful dancer, but just does not love it.  And so now we have one little ballerina in the family.

Presenting our water lilly fairy, Miss A.  

Love this expression.  It's her truly delighted face.  The real smile, the one that only happens when she's filled with joy or tickled pink.  Love it!

We took these photos right after we fixed her hair and make-up.  I asked her to put her costume on for just a minute so that we could snap some photos.  We took, maybe all of 5-10 minutes to snap these.

Twirl, Miss A, twirl!

Notice how the back of her head is in the shadow?  I had some nice side-lighting coming in from an open door just to the right.  The background is just a bare, unpainted wall.  Yes, after 4 years, we still have unpainted walls.  But, I've gotten so used to using this wall as a plain backdrop, I can't imagine it any other color than white! 

My personal favorite from the bunch.

Except for maybe the photo on the right.  It's such a classic Miss A expression.  Sort of like her classic "are you serious?!" face. 

The real deal is on Friday night.  Can't wait to see the performance (again!)

Oh, and if you're wondering, she came up with all these poses on her own.  I just asked her to face the open doorway for me so that her face was in the light, and not in the shadow.

a very sad story

I'm a private person, and tend not to share deeply personal things on this blog.  But, this time, it seems appropriate for a few reasons.  Maybe someone else will be able to relate to my experience.  And, it's just therapeutic for me to write right now.

I'll just start at the beginning.

About three weeks ago, I found out some very shocking news.  

I was pregnant.  Unexpectedly.  I had given away all of my maternity clothes and all of my baby clothes.  I was very much done. Done. Done. Done.

And, so to find out I was pregnant was a huge surprise. 

I spent the next week feeling completely panicked.  How in the world was I going to take care of another baby?  I already had a baby!  And, how in the world was I going to take care of 4 kids?!  Three kids, I have learned to handle, but 4 seemed to stretch me beyond my human limits.

A few weeks passed, though, and I was making space for the baby.  I made space in my heart, and in our family.  Little Z was going to be a big brother.  He was supposed to just be a little brother, but now he was going to be a big brother!  Wow, a big brother.  I was excited for him to have a little buddy--someone on his level that he could go through life with--a friend.  I was making plans for how we were going to fit another little person into our home.  I bought a few maternity clothes, and was making plans for things we would need to acquire--like another double stroller since ours was long, long gone.

And, I was excited about the little life growing inside of me.  I was looking forward to meeting him, and taking photos  of him (of course!), and getting to know him.  I was beginning to embrace my reality.

And, then, something very sad happened.  We lost the baby.  Last week at 9 weeks and 3 days old (in the womb), our little baby died.  I have never lost a baby before.  And this loss is rather intangible.  Because, it feels like losing something you never exactly had.  I'm not sure what you believe about the soul, but I believe that this little baby had a soul, and that the little soul is now in heaven.  

To me, the loss feels very deep and very sad.  I won't get to touch those little fingers and toes.  I won't get to see his little face or get to know his little personality.  I know I am very blessed to have three beautiful children, but this loss is about this baby.  I'm learning I can be grateful and sad all at the same time.

My doctor gave us some great advice.  He encouraged us to do something as a family to commemorate the baby.  We gave him a name.  Since I don't really share out kids' names on this blog, I just tell you his name is baby O.  I found a little wooden cross that we could remember him by.  On Sunday morning, we had a little ceremony where we each said a few words, and placed the cross in our backyard.

I've taken the week "off."  I've got a great group of friends here who are taking good 

care of me bringing our family meals each night so that I don't have to cook.  Other instructors are teaching my Jazzercise classes for me.  It's giving me space.  The space I need to just be.  To have time to grieve.  And time to just sit.  

I'm sure the sadness will eventually lessen, and I'll eventually find my new normal--whatever that may be.  But, for now, I'm sitting down, and just letting my heart wait.

 Z enjoyed playing while we had our little ceremony.  Look at that hair sticking straight up!

He loves that little yellow shovel!

For little O.  We love you, even though we never knew you!

all I wanted for mother's day...

...was a nice photo of the kids and I.  So, I innocently handed the camera to David and asked him to snap away.  I guess I should have hired a professional.  We laughed and laughed as we looked through these.  To his credit, David did get me a beautiful necklace and earrings to match.  I love them!

Hope these give you a good laugh too.

 What is little Z looking at??

 Now, we've got Z, but where did Miss M go?!

 Miss M is officially hiding. Niiiice.

 This is the best one of the lot, and the kids' expressions are anything but natural and happy.  Forced smiles, shall we say?  And utter dilusionment from Z.

 Umm, I think we're done here.

The girls stomped off in disguest, "Daddy, why are you taking so LONG?!"  So, it was just Z and I.  This one's a keeper.  Maybe that should have been my strategy.  One photo with each kid.  Oh well, there's always next year.

Z's one year portraits

I finally took Little Z's one year photos.  

There are so many things that I love about my little guy, but one of my favorites is his crazy hair.  It's always sticking straight up, and even though I tried to tame it a bit for these photos with some hair product, it still stuck straight up.  

I love that about him!

So grateful for my little man.  

Here's my favorites.